bits n pieces

green pea guac

I have a tendency to measure my life in regrets, but I still haven't determined if I actually end up learning from them.  Little ones like regretting staying up late to serial watch TV shows instead of getting enough sleep to power through test prep the next day or regretting eating that platter of fried foods and cheesy carbs after drinking a few too many beers at two in the morning.  Middle ones like regretting not fighting back to defend myself when I know I was not wrong or regretting walking away from the potentially perfect end to a messy day of college celebrations.  Big ones - these are the ones we can't really control, the ones that are not what-if scenarios (as much as we'd like them to be) - like regretting not seizing the opportunity to move out to dreamland in the middle of the (most) awkward years or regretting dragging Mom and friends out for an evening stroll that one time. 

candied bacon and corn

I have a tendency to relive little moments, the ones that no one else remembers, so I can play them out a different way.  Lines I should have said and actions I should have taken.  Like that time I should have introduced myself or the time I should have admitted to you what I was thinking.  This is why I reread messages and letters, to dissect what could have gone differently.  I don't know that it would improve that memory of that moment or that it would have changed your mind, but it hurts to pretend it would.

roasted sardine and peanut snack

I have a tendency to think about you sporadically, sometimes wishing I'd run into you, often wishing I had the balls to just talk to you, always wishing we could go back again.  You come up in the most random of ways - a song we happened to listen to before falling asleep, the shirt I wore when we shared a meal once, some place I stood when I came to the realization that maybe you did mean something to me.  When I lie awake, I'm lying awake wondering 'why not me?'

fresh corn salsa

I have a tendency to shy away because I'm afraid you're too good for me, you can do better than me.  And you know it.