self reflection

Constantly finding myself in a state of confusion, having to be reminded where I am. Do things feel more and more surreal every day to anyone else? I find myself seeking out Chadwick tributes and crying. There's a gravity to it that I know everyone feels, and despite having tenuous ties to his fandom, I feel it too. I had the same surprising reaction to Naya and Kobe, too. I wonder about their children and partners and families and cast mates. I wonder how someone as genuine as Chadwick could exist. And then not. I wonder what I will leave behind when I stop existing. And then I start going down a self-involved spiral of whether I will be okay in the inbetween. Can you be simultaneously frozen in time and wasting away?


Easiest lunch I could manage on a slice of whole wheat sourdough Davin brought home. Roasted pepper, tomato, and harissa jam with sardines.

I don't know how I used to work full time every day and then still go do activities, sometimes social ones. I spend a lot of time passively thinking about what I could be doing now. But in the in between moments, sometimes I manage to make more interesting things. Even I need a reminder sometimes that the act of feeding myself is comforting.
The last of my lasagna noodles turned to thick noodles dressed in cod roe spaghetti mix and furikake.

Almost vegetarian mole (were it not for the chicken broth in the paste from this time) with turnip and sweet potato. Roasted eggplant in some random TJ's taco seasoning I found in my stash. Tomato and roasted red pepper rice. Cilantro sauce.