seventyone benders

I am not on a good baking streak these days, and it feels... strange. It brings me down tonight in a way I can't explain. I mean, if I'm not focusing on anything except feeding myself, then shouldn't everything come out flawless?

This logic is of course not sound. And I am currently forcing myself to remember the numerous baking failures I had within days 1 and 65. But today feels different.

Quarantine is coming to an end.

Not that I am going back to lab full force, but that I am going back to lab at all. Starting June 8, every other week will no longer be devoted to long sweet hours of making one meal for myself. I won't be able to casually respond to emails (assuming there are any to even respond to) while quietly waiting for the kettle to boil. No more updating slides in bed while nibbling on breakfast sweets. No more taking calls while mixing up another batter or dough or filling.

In quarantine, I found an unexpected rhythm and comfort in timelessness. Though I missed aspects of life before quarantine (BQ), I think I am actually more afraid of life after quarantine (AQ). Because life during quarantine allowed me to fully bury myself and my problems beneath mountains of sourdough and duffel bags of dumplings. Could it be that waking up every morning in a daze before finally realizing the day would be the same as the day before and the day before that is actually kind of comfortable? Here during quarantine, I finally have a valid excuse to stay paralyzed in my indecision.

My perspective was turned on its head in these ten (holy fuck, 10??) weeks. Who am I to sit here and complain when I am by all pandemic accounts lucky? Is this genuine gratitude? Or is this guilt? Does it really matter at this moment?

No. All that matters today are these mini breakfast sammiches. 

From a mini test loaf from Joyce.

Sliced and toasted.

Spread of kewpie on each side.

Pork floss on one half.

Charred swiss chard on the other.

And a tiny sand dollar of fried egg white for one baby sammich.

Eaten while wishing I had quail eggs on hand.

All that matters today are these Costco lobster raviolis from the freezer stash dressed in furikake and chili oil and served on a bed of garlic broccoli greens from Dirty Girl.

Eaten during work sanity lunch after I tired myself out complaining about my work laptop.

All that matters today is that it was too hot to make myself a proper dinner, so I had half a biscuit and a banana and distracted myself with some tokens of affection.

Reserving thinking about everything else that matters for two weeks from now.